HI MY NAME IS KIM AND I AM GOING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW TO ACT LIKE A COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL MALE, ACCORDING TO LOUIS TOMLINSON.
1. Sitting next to your completely heterosexual friend
If you are in a friendly, platonic, heterosexual relationship, you might occasionally sit next to each other. If this is the case, you should do what all heterosexual males do in this situation: NEVER. STOP. TOUCHING. EACH. OTHER.
For instance, you might want to drape your leg all over your
lovers’ friend’s lap. (This is definitely the case if said friend has a boner that needs covering. Be a good bro, and use your leg to help him out)
Ofcourse you can get cramps or get uncomfortable, which can lead to you and your heterosexual friend being separated. FEAR NOT. This problem can easily be solved by casually and heterosexually touching your friend again. Let Louis show you how it’s done.
And when it happens again…
You see? PROBLEM SOLVED.
Because you are completely heterosexual, you ofcourse need your friend’s attention at all times. This is very normal behavior for teenage guys. Don’t be afraid to make sure your friend is paying attention to you.
You might tap him on the shoulder when you’re speaking, even though you are practically sitting in his lap. Like so:
Or, when you’re leg is resting on his lap, which is a must for heterosexual males as we have established, you might want to remind him of this. You can do this by casually rubbing his crotch. Again, this is very normal. Believe me. An example:
You know how all those magazines always advice girls to laugh really hard at their crushes’ jokes? And that they should casually touch him, like a hand on the shoulder and such? THIS IS NOT JUST FOR FLIRTING. It also works in male heterosexual realationships. Here are a couple of examples of Louis showing how it’s done
4. Telling other guys you love them
BUT ALL IN A VERY STRAIGHT AND HETEROSEXUAL WAY OFCOURSE. You might want to emphasize your statement by casually rubbing your heterosexual friend’s arm.
If said friends does not appreciate your words, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ACT LIKE A LITTLE SPOILED BITCH. BUT KEEP IT HETEROSEXUAL.
(also, take a look at Liam in this gif)
5. Gain their trust
A good and heterosexual way to do this: whisper secrets into your friend’s ear, while leaning in with your entire body. You can do this anywhere, with friends or in public, because clearly, this is what every teenage guy does. CLEARLY.
WHEN YOU HAVE ALL FOLLOWED THESE STEPS, YOU CLEARLY KNOW HOW TO ACT COMPLETELY STRAIGHT AND NORMAL WITH YOUR FRIEND. A sign that your friend also wants to be heterosexual with you: when they’re using your leg to push themselves up. And when they start stroking it afterwards. Like so: